


Did you love me less?

by flowerymoonlight



Category: Black Widow (Comics), Black Widow (Movie 2020)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt No Comfort, Pain, mentions of death(s), very dramatic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23138278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerymoonlight/pseuds/flowerymoonlight
Summary: When you lose Natalia it feels like you lost everything.
Relationships: Natasha Romanov/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 54





	Did you love me less?

When Natalia left you there was a moment after your handler told you that you couldn’t hear anything besides the sound of your heart breaking into pieces. You couldn’t show any of it but you felt every minute of the heart-wrenching pain. And when your handler told you that she went to work for the enemy that pain turned into hot rage.

You had a new determination going into missions, imagining every agent you took down as the one to take Natalia away from you. You became known for leaving no one behind to tell the tale in your organization and that came with its pros and cons.

You became as valuable as The Asset to them but less controllable and more unpredictable in the events that someone would say Natalia’s name while you were in the room. But you never had a partner again, and you never let anyone ever see you without the mask over your face. The mask that protected you from the world, that looked like you but you had nothing in common.

All you ever knew was The Red Room. All you ever knew was training to kill and training to be someone you’re not. All you ever knew was Natalia, and all she ever knew was you. You were assigned partners when you were both of age to start firing weapons. You learned everything together and you made mistakes together.

You were friends, you were family, and you became something more together.

It was forbidden to have such attachments for both of you. But you went with it anyway. You kept each other safe and no one else ever knew what was in your heart. Only Natalia knew what was in yours, and you thought you knew what was in hers.

When she left it hurt more than you wanted to admit to yourself, because where you would choose her over everything, always, she took the other way out the first chance she got. You felt betrayed and angry with yourself. How could you be so stupid to believe a spy? You were there during her training, you should’ve known better.

It didn’t lessen the pain when you blamed yourself. It didn’t lessen the pain when you blamed her or the agent that took her away. The pain never faded. It kept you up at night, wondering if your heart will ever be whole again, or if Natalia took the pieces with her. You guessed you were never meant to find happiness. It was too good of an outcome for a spy and a trained assassin.

So you did what you did best. You went on more missions, killed more of your enemies. Made sure they knew the fury that resided inside you and fear it. And you came back to safe houses and hotels, scrubbing the blood off your hands that never seemed to fade. Laid down on unfamiliar beds, staring at ceilings that were the same yet changed with your daydreams.

For five years after Natalia became your enemy, you never saw any sign of her. You never saw her on the field and your handler never mentioned her ever again.

It was five years and two months later, while you were tracking down a potential mole in your organization, that you first laid eyes on her. Your target was supposed to meet someone from the other side in a coffee shop and possibly give them information that was too harmful to let get out. Your mission was to take both of them out before they could move five feet from the shop.

But you stopped on your tracks, feet halting and heart stilling in your chest when you saw the mole sitting down opposite of her.

You didn’t believe your eyes at first, screaming in your head that this was a fragment of your imagination she wasn’t there, she wasn’t so close and so far away. You didn’t have to kill her. Your eyes run over her face trying to bring back memories of her when you were both on the same side and changing them to fit her now. Natalia had grown so much over the last half-decade and it only did her good.

You couldn’t stop the yearning thoughts from entering your mind even if you wanted to. Every cell in your body was screaming at you to run over to her and touch her. See if she’s real, see if you still remember exactly how soft her skin was under your fingers.

In the end, you didn’t. You turned into an ally and hid. Waiting for them to finish their meeting and follow her back to wherever she was staying. After completing your mission and killing the mole.

It all lasted under five minutes before the mole was frantically getting up from his seat and walking the way back to his apartment. Your eyes never left Natalia even as she stayed a few more seconds before getting up and waking in the other direction.

You got out of your hiding place hiding a syringe, with a lethal poison that would kill the mole in seconds, behind your hand and walking to the direction Natalia was headed. You got the poison in the mole without him even realizing he had been made and continued on your way. You heard his body fall on the ground as Natalia turned down a corner and you ignored the screams and calls for help from passerbyers to focus all your attention on her.

Being careful and keeping enough distance between you and her, you saw her enter a motel. When she was in the elevator and heading for her room you asked the receptionist for her information. She tried to resist you but after showing her your gun and making her leave and lock up you took the stairs up to Natalia’s room.

You tried not to think about how close you were to Natalia. How you would see her face again, this time up close. How you would hear her voice. You tried not to think about how easily she could influence you even now, half a decade later. How a few words from her and you were certain you would go with the enemy too.

But you had your orders. And she had hers. And it was probably the same one. Do not let the enemy get away.

You didn’t stay to think about how she was never your enemy. And she never will be.

You opened the room Natalia was staying in, holding your gun high and starting to search the rooms for her. You didn’t have to search her for long, turning into the kitchen and finding her waiting for you with her gun high as well.

You couldn’t get a word out of your mouth for the first few moments. You just stared at her behind her gun as you saw her do the same. It was an almost peaceful silence. The kind that you don’t want to break because you know you’ll never get it back.

But you never got what you wanted in life so why start now?

“You were waiting for me,” you breathed out, securing the grip on your gun.

“I was waiting for someone. Didn’t know it was going to be you.” Hearing her voice after all these years had your mind reeling and you almost dropped your gun to the floor. Luckily, you were trained better than that.

“So, what now?” You shifted so you had a better view of all the exits and the closer one to Natalia. You didn’t know if you were strong enough to shoot her yet, but you were going to find out one way or another.

“You have your orders I presume?” She sounded rescinded and it almost threw you off, if you didn’t know the many masks she could wear.

“And you have your own.” You rebuffed her, not backing down and still pointing your gun at her even if your heart was doing everything to get your finger away from that trigger.

“Извини,” Natalia lowered her gun and looked at you with remorse in her eyes. You could hear it in her voice and your heart leaped at the chance that she might be genuine. That you were still close enough to her heart that you could get that from her. But you knew better than to believe in dreams.

“That makes two of us.” You weren’t going to let her have anything from you though. She had everything and she threw it away, you had just enough dignity to not let your heart loose and back in her arms.

When you couldn’t read her eyes anymore you knew it was gone. What you had was lost, and you could never take it back. Then she did something you never expected her to and put her gun on the table that filled the space between you two. She pushed it so it was closer to you than her and her eyes came back to yours.

She wasn’t surrendering you knew that. She knew that you left no one behind. She was giving herself to you, and you had all the power over if she came out of that motel room alive or in a body bag.

You spent long minutes considering all the possibilities and going through all the scenarios in your head. But as you calculated you realized that in every scenario you were trying to find loopholes where Natalia would walk out of there alive. That was the moment that you knew you could never shoot her.

She didn’t have to know though. So, you moved with your gun still aimed at her chest towards the fire escape. Lifting the window and putting one leg out of it before getting one final look at her and trying to memorize everything your brain could get wrong in your daydreams.

“Do you remember the green coffee shop?” She asked when you turned, and you really wanted to hear hope in her voice, but you didn’t let yourself.

You didn’t stay to answer her question either. She already knew the answer was yes.

––––

It took you two hours after arriving at your safehouse to decide what you wanted to do. You had a mission, and that was killing Natalia. You wanted to convince yourself that you didn’t know where she was, therefore, could not get to her and take her out.

But that was a lie and you knew it. She’d mentioned the green coffee shop so you would know where to find her. It could’ve been a trap to lure you out but you thought you knew at least one part of Natalia and that part would never use that against you.

You thought back to finding the small apartment over a green coffee shop. When you had first seen it they were still painting it a vibrant green, the new owners had just moved in. You found out that no one lived there and the owner was looking for someone to buy it.

From the first moment, you walked in you could see your life played out before your eyes. Your life with Natalia. A life that you could never have but would pretend to every time you sneaked off to the apartment.

A fond smile took over your face as you remembered the time that you went to buy it, when you had raised enough money to be acceptable between the both of you, and you tried to intimidate the old lady that was selling it to you. It turned out she had seen and heard much worse than you two and you were young enough for that to throw you off balance. But she smiled and gave it to you anyway.

She had died and left her few belongings to you two a few years later. It was always a happy memory to visit and remember the home-cooked meals she would bring to you every time you would get enough time to go to the apartment.

It was your own private little heaven. A safe house only you and Natalia knew about and shared. It was almost a chance at something different. And she was offering it again.

In the end, you couldn’t find it in your heart to ignore it or her.

It took you the better part of three hours to reach the green coffee shop, making sure you weren’t followed and taking the long way there. And thinking about your decision, if it was the right one. It was definitely the one you wanted.

You hadn’t been there in years, even before Natalia left you. You hadn’t had the time or energy to come here and escape from your world. Now, standing there, outside your door, you wished you would have found the time and had more memories with Natalia.

You unlocked the door with the key, that you could never throw away no matter how many times your instincts told you it was a bad idea to hold onto it and walked into the one place where you used to have everything.

You expected it to smell of mold and old furniture, expecting that fresh air hadn’t flowed through the house in years. But you didn’t. You could smell Natalia’s perfume and that fabric softener she always liked to use. You smelled coffee and tea.

You almost smiled, thinking about the days when you would wake up here to Natalia making coffee only for you to crave tea that morning. She would always mumble curses in German, because you specialized in Dutch, while boiling you some water.

You walked further in, towards the kitchen, where you found Natalia sitting on the small round table you had thrifted together with a cup in her hands. “I wasn’t sure you were going to show up,”

It was an invitation and you took your seat opposite her with a cup of hot tea in front of you. “Me neither.” You couldn’t see her weapon but you just assumed it was on her and out of sight. So be it, you wouldn’t draw yours unless she drew hers.

“Didn’t know which one you preferred,” Natalia nodded towards your cup of tea and then to the side where you could see another cup, probably with coffee, waiting on the counter. You weren’t fast enough to stop the fond chuckle from escaping you but you pulled your mask over your face after, not showing her anything else.

“You used to curse at me every time you had to make both,” you took the cup and brought it to your lips, taking a sip and not showing the pleasure at it being your favorite and that Natalia remembered.

“I wasn’t cursing at you,” you looked up to see her smiling at her cup and it twisted something in your gut, something painful. “I was saying how much I–” she stopped to take a deep inhale before she sighed it out and you were at odds on whether you wanted her to keep going or stop talking.

You made your decision when she opened her mouth to talk again. “Don’t. Don’t say it.” Your voice came out way heavier than you wanted it to but you were tired and had already come to terms with the fact that not both of you would be walking out of this apartment.

After a tense moment of silence, where you didn’t look at her and Natalia didn’t look at you, she leaned over the table to whisper. “We don’t have to do this.” Her hand twitched to come closer to yours. “I know you think that we won’t walk out of this alive, but there is another way,” she had hope in her voice and it was something you hadn’t heard in a while.

It was also something that wasn’t real. Not for both of you.

“Maybe for you, Natalia. But this is the only way I have.” You didn’t want to say it. You wanted to tell her that you believed her, that you would follow her to the ends of the earth. That she only had to ask. But the words wouldn’t leave your mouth.

You weren’t going to shoot her, you knew that from the start. You just wished that she would and take you out of your misery. Not having to live a life without her in it. A life where you were enemies, where you couldn’t touch her and you couldn’t tell her all the things in your heart.

You got up without looking at her. Turning your back on her and preparing your body for the possibility of a bullet. You only heard a chair scrape the floor.

“I’m sorry,” Natalia whispered and you knew she was standing just a couple of steps behind you. “I’m sorry I left.” That one went straight through your heart, leaving a hole inside it, and you had trouble finding your breath. “I’m sorry I left you.” That was when the first tear rolled down your cheek.

“You broke my heart, Natalia.” You knew she could hear the tears in your voice, how your heart was breaking all over again, but you didn’t let it stop you. You had to get this out if it was the last thing you said to her. “And all you have to say is sorry.”

She didn’t say anything for a while. And you could barely hear her breathing over the beating of your heart in your chest and the ringing in your ears. But when she did speak, you almost wished she hadn’t. You almost wished she hadn’t said it. Because as much as she broke your heart all over again, she was taking it with her.

“I love you,”

You took a fortifying breath, not caring about how much it shook, and kept moving towards the front door. It was only when you pulled it open that you found the strength to whisper, quietly to yourself, where no one else would listen.

“I love you, too.”


End file.
